Saturday, October 09, 2004

Frown Lines

For the most part, I wake up every day with a prayer of gratitude (except for that strange morning recently when I awoke singing one of E's tunes and not all that well, I might add).

However, "Thank you, God, for my life" is a familiar utterance.

Today, I opened my eyes with a sense of diappointment, distraction, disillusionment. I was disgruntled. Just plain ol' dis-ed!

Why? Because I risked and haven't been rewarded.

I'm not looking for "your-wish-has-been-granted" rewards here. I'm just put out that I did something I rarely do -- make myself vulnerable -- and rather than get even the drama of a big NO as a response to my offer, I've received nada. And in this case, NO is better than nada.

By the way, this has nothing to do with the whole God thing. I just told the part about the morning prayer because it's true and because I wanted to establish that I'm a relatively positive person. Now back to human-to-human relational stuff . . .

Some folks say I'm too negative about myself. I don't think so but then again they don't hear the press conferences I conduct in my head, the applause I silently bow to, the team spirit my body/mind/soul conjure up. What they do hear are occasional (hopefully humorous) putdowns of me, concocted by me and expressed by me. I'm working on that. As well, I'm working on the whole "ask-for-what-you-want" concept. Now, that's not to say I expect to get it but if you don't ask you have no one to blame but yourself.

So I have asked . . . and there's nada . . . and yet I can't figure out who or what to blame because . . . let's see there's nada! So I'm left feeling pissed at being dis-ed.

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