This phase is officially over.
Since this stage or phase or whatever you want to call this particular period on my journey has been a ragged ass job from its beginning, I’ve decided to turn my back on the reactive way of thinking I’ve employed in the past and elect to end this now . . . before anyone gets hurt . . . especially me.
Frankly, I’m bored with it.
And according to the movie I just saw that combines quantum physics with theology and psychology and cartoon peptides and Marlee Matlin playing a photographer, I can make the choices that change my future. So even though the movie is called “What the Bleep Do We Know?” and you may leave the theater thinking that’s a great question, I came away with confirmation that it’s definitely time to act.
I use the term “phase” loosely. But I’m not sure what else to call it. I’ve been silently amused by how many people who don’t see me day in and out have lowered their voice during a phone conversation and inquired, “So how are you . . . really?”
I usually have to think a moment about why they’re using the universal sign for “yes-this-is-not-a-truly-intimate-friendship-but-I’m-going-to-pretend-we-have-that-kind-of-vulnerability-between-us” and then, matching the gravity of their tone, I reply, “Fine, really.” Trying desperately not to sound too chipper, I remind myself that these people have no clue. They don’t know that I delved into denial the first three years of the marriage, anger took up years 4-8, bargaining was spread throughout but came to a peak in years 9-13, depression came in year 14 and acceptance prevailed in year 15-17 when I left.
By the time these well-meaning acquaintances hear the news, it’s past tense for me but new to them and I have to go back three spaces just to not seem like a heartless bitch.
But this post-divorce phase has been something different. This one got kicked off with the euphoria of freedom followed closely by a sense of overwhelming options and a need for wait-and-see.
Messy, very messy. Because this opportunity looks as good as that one. And why not try this? And what’s wrong with that?
But it’s all getting boring and I’m ready for some order. I’m ready to choose. I’m walking away from wait and see.
I choose to see . . . now.*
*By the way, I have absolutely no clue what this means but I felt the need to state it. I’ve come to realize that now is all I know. I may hope for tomorrow or faith for my next act, but all I know is this moment, all I can control is this moment. And in this moment, I’m ready for the next adventure.